watcha watcha watcha want

Sometimes its much easier to be decisive on what you dont want than it is deciding on what it is you do want. Going after the things in your heart is a scary means you have to be really honest, it means you have to really know yourself, it means not allowing what others want to sway you, it means abandoning all our grown up reasons to why we shouldn't, it means we allow ourselves a sense of being childlike again, it means that we are giving ourselves the same importance we give everyone whose wishes we try so hard to fullfill.

Now if we could only figure out what it is that we want. I've spent alot of years just being okay with whatever I got... and because I was never decisive about what I wanted, I was always dissapointed. My sister would get everything on her christmas and birthady lists... because she always knew what she wanted and was always very clear about it.. to everyone. I on the other hand could never find the voice to be so clear, I never knew what I wanted and thus had to find satisfaction with whatever I got.. it was usually a very disappointing experience. I wanted people to know what I wanted without me having to tell them. Not a very "take charge" attitude, I know.

My cousin wanted a dog,that's as much as she knew. She ended up rescuing a dog that was definitely not what she wanted. She found a better home for the dog and did some research on what kind of dog would be best for her family... now they have Marty, the perfect dog for their family. Sometimes its a process of elimination, but it's all about learning about ourselves and who we are.

My children are so easy to put ahead of myself. Their wants and needs are so predominant in my mind that its easy to go without the things I want and need. I find I even make excuses to not go and get what I want, because i've gone without for so long the excuses come way to easy.

So now I am learning to "take care of number one" as a friend of mine once told me years ago to do. He said, "no one else can take care of you better than you can." There is also a psychological thing that comes with getting what you want... sometimes its a guilty feeling.. like, "did I really need this?" "did I just want it because... when there are so many other things on the list?? My mental drama spins my head. Until I scream at myself... "I'm okay!"

As of late the new epiphany is that I need to trust my intuition, that sometimes the things that I want are really divine inspiration on things that would benefit everyone, not just me. Something as simple of getting my hair done, or my nails...a yummy mommy is better than a haggered looking one. hahahaha

It's about accepting that this is my life, my journey, my one shot at this human exsistence. Why not get what i want out of it? Shag that christian humble pie teaching of accepting what ever the universe dishes out for us! God's will is not for us to treat ourselves like second class citizens, undeserving of the blessings... but to see ourselves as we were made: beautifull children of Royality!
deserving of every good gift!!

And so I am preaching to myself! Be assertive, clear and unabashed about what it is you want and then dont beat yourself up when you get it for having wanted it in the first place. You may not even understand your motivation for wanting somethings, and that's okay, the reason for it will make itself known in due time. It is easy to give but much harder to recieve.... and we all deserve to recieve!


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