After two years of investing in my psyche with a professional, two years of being vulnerable and exposed, she finally gave me some feedback. She was a cold hearted bitch when I started seeing her, an older woman, living alone with her plants and dogs and birkenstock sandals. I was desperate for someone to fix me, put me all back together again and tell me I was fine... and she was NOT going to be that woman. I didn't like her at first, she intimidated me with her "careless attitude" I was falling apart and she didn't seem bothered in the least.But my doctor sent me and it was either the shrink or anti-depressants, so I choose her. Dr.Kate.

In the beginning I resented her and her perfect house and her perfect garden and her perfect car. I hated sitting in her office,I hated how it smelled of lavender and I hated her dog that was spoiled with attention and adoration... I got nothing,not even a smile. She made me feel like I was bothering her with my nonsense, boring her with my sad details. I felt stupid and immature sitting accross from her in an uncomfortable chair while she wrote everything down that I said.

The first visit I asked, "where do you want me to begin?" fearing that she'd say something like... "in the beginning" or "wherever you like". Persistent visuals from my past flashing before my mind of things I really didn't want to bring up, I was certainly hoping we could by pass but was afraid that's exactly what she'd ask for: my dirty laundry all laid out in front of her. But she didn't request that of me, she merely asked, "What's your day been like today?" and that is exactly where we started, with today.

The more comfortable I became the more I opened up. Only I wanted answers, I wanted fixing and week after week I would come away feeling violated, betrayed and disturbed. Here I had poured out my heart, showed her my broken soul and cried in front of her and she couldn't even put a hand on my shoulder to console me. She would sit there while I sobbed and filled snot rag after snot rag and the woman wouldn't touch me, she wouldn't empathise she wouldn't say anthing, but say, "I'm afraid our time is up." and she'd show me to the door... completely unmoved by my emotional displays.

I hated her but I kept going, something inside me knew I needed her. I needed her coldness. Her aloofness. I needed the safety of that lavender room. So I continued and then one day, one especially awful day of mental abuse, I ran to her office with tears rolling down my face wanting to throw myself into her arms and be craddled by her.In that damn familiar chair I exploded in front of her, believing that that would finally break her, surely at this, my lowest point, she would embrace me and assure me everything would be okay, that I was going to be fine. Instead all I got was, "I'm afraid our time is up." and she showed me to her door with not even a gentle touch to my shoulder. I was furiated.

I drove straight to a steep cliff with the full intent of throwing myself over. I left the keys in the car and marched angrily to the edge of the rock and violently held myself over staring down at the jagged rocks below. Hot tears dropping from my eyes splashed on the small rocks at my feet distracting me from the fall in front of me.I stared at my feet for ages while my tears washed them clean of dust. I cried all my angry and hate out of me and sat myself down in a heap and turned my eyes out over the ocean and watched the birds flying gracefully. A strange and beautiful calm came over me and thoughts of my three year old brought a smile to my face. After a very long moment of sweet solitude I picked myself back up again and walked serenly back to my car. Feeling very empty and sober, I gathered myself and went home.

I wondered if Dr.Kate would feel moved by my story and so I returned to her that following week, with great trepitation and anxiety.But to my great surprise when she came to greet me at the door she threw her arms wide open and hugged me with a great big smile upon her face.

Then, I understood her and her amazingly deep wisdom. She couldn't fix me, only I could do that. Our visits after that were lighthearted and therapeutic. And after two years she finally gave me some feedback and this is what she said.

"Krista, you just needed an older woman that you could trust, someone who would be completely objective with you. You needed to learn how to trust that woman."



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