On the day of my 38th birthday I started miscarrying at 6 weeks. Tears fall still though I know these truths, that there is a reason for everything and that I must surrender graciously my need to control everything.
I dont' feel angry or confused... oddly I feel a great sense of peace as I let go. In that short period of time I felt a new hope for the future that I had not felt before... that together my partner and I could take on any new challenge and adventure. It was exciting as it was terrifying, this little life force that was visiting us. It made me feel alive again and I loved that feeling! It reminded me that all things are possible when you believe.
I found encouragment just knowing that my body could get pregnant! Afer all these years, my youngest being eight, I thought for sure that getting pregnant would be no easy task. I was imaginging temperature charting for months and exhaustive sexual effort that would loose its fun as it became more like work. I feel blessed when I think of all the women my age who are discovering that their bodies need expensive assistance to get pregnant.
The hardest thing to come to terms with was the Toilet. Something so precious, so life-altering, so powerful, so beautiful just gets flushed away? So cold and unfeeling, so final and insensitive the toilet in the hospital, the toilet in the doctors office, the toilet in Mc.Donalds', the toilet at home... little pieces of me are scattered all over the place un-sanctimoniously. This has been the hardest thing for me, the cold and unglorified end to this little person who in such a short period gave me so much. Pulling the handle on the toilet to flush has become a ritual in itself: an act of letting go and surrendering. For we are not our bodies, we are spirit!
And so I am reaffirming this over and over, I am not my body, nor was this baby! This little spirit was not limited to a body, was not attached to a body, was not restricted within a body, was not flushed down the toilet with its remains.... but is with me still in Spirit and awaits the day to find us ready again to recieve it in human form.... whether it be a child from my own body or someone elses... that little spirit has not been lost and I will watch for it everywhere and in everyone.
I can only feel blessed and grateful to have felt its life force within me, encouraging me and giving me hope for the future. As I surrender I let the River wash over me taking away my sadness it fills me with grattitude. I feel at peace.
Blessings Little One.