Extra Large

Le Chateau has been a secret favourite store of mine, ever since it first opened up in "the mall" in St.John's Newfoundland when I was 15 or 16 years old. It was fresh, different, punky and represented all the attitude I was suppressing... but did the style of clothes suit me? not really, nor did most of their sizes. So I was left on the sidelines while my model mother and sister played dress up in the size ones and twos and became buddy buddy with the store clerks. I hated going there.

And so this season when I had to buy something to wear for our Solstice Celebration I was suprised to find myself heading straight for Le Chateau in our Prairie Mall, here in Grande Prairie. Last year I shopped at the Plus Store and found, semi acceptable style and sizes... but here I went right into my favourite store looking for a Seasonal Dress determined to find exactly what I was looking for.

"Do you have that dress in a medium?" I asked, and she looked at me funny, "offcourse we do." She affirmed.

I pulled the dress down over my head with hesitation for fear it would not go, as per past experiences anything that I have ever really liked has never fit. There is no private moment of pure exasperation and despair when you get stuck in a piece of clothing that is too small for you.

I dont know at what point I accepted that I was still growing, pushing 195lbs this time last year. I had resigned that I would be now an overweight middle aged woman, depressed about it and feeding my emotions with more carbs... I was "fat".

Now I have never been pre-occupied with looks; style, fashion, make-up. I'm a natural girl and always have been. And so, I wasn't worried about "how I looked" but it was how I felt that bothered me the most. I felt unattractive, I felt laboured in my movement, I felt like I was getting stuck in my clothes... and I didn't like that feeling.

And it felt defeating! No matter how hard or consistently I worked out, excercised and cut out sugar... there was no stopping the weight gain. So, somewhere along the line I surrendered to Extra Large and something inside of me died.

I remember exactly the moment I decided that I could go no further. I was having lunch with friends at the Crown and Anchor and I had ordered fish and chips and it was awful. The worst ever!! and it made me feel ill. At that moment, I said enough was enough!! and with the help and encouragment of a good friend I started the Atkins diet.

Comfortable at 157lbs I am fitting back into my old clothes. Throwing out all the extra large stuff has been carthartic. Letting go of those old feelings about myself has been an incredible journey... I can't believe the difference in how I feel about myself now. I feel young again, more in control, more vibrant and alive!! I feel that I take myself more seriously now, and therefore so do others. I had completely underestimated this feeling until now, and now I realize how important it is to feel good about our bodies. We are living testimonies to what we say we believe, we are the temples of the Spirit and who wants to go to a broken down and uncared for building to worship? Not me.

I am beginning to take pride in my appearance, putting in some effort to portray the best possible me at all times, making it important that I feel good before I leave the house and most importantly of all, that I am happy with my presentation!

Oh Medium. How I have missed you!

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